Not many understand why I don't share my memories. I have loved and lost, been ridiculed and mocked, seen for someone I was not, and hid inside my own skin.

I generally run silent. But I don't need a label to be a person. Labels are great for underwear and soup cans, but are a terrible burden when we place them on people.

None of us are White, Black, Brown, mixed. No one is American, Mexican, Canadian, Asian, etc. No one is straight, gay, bi, trans. We are all human. Go back far enough, we are all one.

When you walk through a cemetery, do you really know how all those people really lived? Grandiose statues and headpieces don't tell a life story. Now their lives are silent except for the memories of those who knew them. So it will be with us.

I am an accumulation of all of my life experiences, good or bad, up to this point. Change one thing and I am a different person. We can't go back and do anything different. No use in imagining things magically changing one day. Reality will always have the final say.

I have been careful not to place a burden on others as I have found placing that burden is as heavy as the burden itself. Too many rejoice in giving burdens to others though. I have learned that by them placing burdens on me, they are leaving others alone.

Open your eyes to see things clearly. Open your ears to hear things distinctly, open your mind to have a full understanding, open your mouth to speak only the truth, use your hands for the work of good to others and open your heart to learn to love as God loves.

This is my Christmas prayer.

Wow! What a Change!

 It's simply amazing.  One thought, one action, the world questions everything about you.

About two weeks ago, I made the decision to put a smile on my face and keep it there.  It all started kinda as a joke as I quipped to my GSM about smiling and making people wonder what you've been up to.  It struck a thought inside and I decided to try it out.  Since then, I have been upbeat, smiling, and whimsical about what's going on and it's driving everyone crazy.  I am laughing so much inside and out, it is simply amazing.

One side effect is that it has changed my attitude and outlook.  I am genuinely happy and while I still have the same issues and problems, they just don't seem as heavy as they were before.  I've found the old me and I like it.  I don't see life with rose colored glasses, but I have just minimized the things I used to place in front of me like obstacles blocking my view.  My perspective is different, my outlook on things is a bit more carefree!

About a month ago, my daughter and her fiancé finally moved out.  It has taken some getting used to, but now I enjoy the solace of just doing what I want and need to without having to worry about waking someone or working around them.   I restored a dresser the kids were going to throw out and I will use it now in my spare bedroom for guests, should any come.  After I clean the carpets, I will set up a bed as well, then close off the room to keep it clean.  I plan to make the smaller of the two empty rooms a home office of sorts, putting my computer desk, filing cabinet, and treadmill among other things in there, making more space in my bedroom.

Four years have now passed since my surgery and it seems like a lifetime.  I am still a 'virgin', per se, and I am not dating nor looking to date.  I'm working on finding out more about myself and the talents I have hidden inside and making them grow.  I don't know what they are, don't know what I really want to do at this point, but I do know that something will spark my interest, curiosity, or desire.  But right now, I love being me.  There is a freedom and a peace that is immeasurable and I embrace it fully!

06.21.2020

    Hello again, it's me.  I've been busy with so many things, but now I have some time to sit and reflect.  I'm finally on 'vacation', but it's more of a staycation.  With Covid-19 still causing havoc and not having extra money to do much of anything, I'm staying close to home and relaxing; well, as much as I can.  

    Today is Father's Day, a day to celebrate our Father's who have meant so much to us.  My father passed 8.5 years ago, so all I can do is think of him and remember some of the things he told and taught me.  Everything wasn't rosy or kind, but I still have my gems I hold onto.  I on the other hand, won't celebrate Father's Day with my daughters.  While that relationship, (father/daughter), means something to them, being post-op and not looking at all like 'Dad', it's really counter-intuitive to have that celebration.  So, we have all agreed, per my wishes, to celebrate together 'Ra-Ra Day' on October 24th of each year.  Why October 24th?  Well, it's the anniversary date of my surgery, completing the physical journey I took to be me.  'Ra-Ra' is the name given to me for my granddaughter and any other grandchildren I may have so as not to confuse me with any grandmothers that still may be around.  They have their nicknames too, but Ra-Ra is unique enough to cut this heifer from the herd.

    My youngest daughter is now engaged, getting so one week after graduating college.  I am so proud of her.  Then she surprised me.  About 2 week ago, she asked me to stand by her side as Maid of Honor!  I was humbled, but accepted.  My other two daughters will also stand with her with the middle daughter being the Matron of Honor and my oldest as a bridesmaid.  It's still all a bit of a shock really.  Hasn't fully set in, but if I'm going to be there for here, I have a lot of work body sculpting to do.  I know a lot of these dresses are fitted and I don't want to look silly wearing one.  Those pictures and this event are going to mean so much to her and I don't want to be the reason they are not what she envisions.

    A bit of good news nationally.  People such as myself now have legal protection from getting fired just because we are who we are.  Living with that fear overshadowed my employment since I decided to transition.  Now my employment must be based on my work, not on my status.  I know that there are more than a few employers who are livid, but a 6-3 vote favoring protections speaks volumes of what is right and fair versus any bias carried by an individual.  I am looking to change jobs, possibly careers.  Climbing in and out of vehicles and doing videos in the South Georgia heat and humidity is taking its toll on me. 

    At 55 years old, it's definitely not as easy as it was 8 years ago.  Now with the added work load of videoing every vehicle, I'm spending hours more outside doing my job.  I was told by a manager on Friday that my job was only taking pictures and it is easy to do.  WOW.  He hasn't a clue about what I do.  Well Mr. Snot Nosed Manager, pushing buttons to make numbers appears isn't hard my friend, but you make WAY more than I do.  The problem is no one see anything more than just the physical aspect of my job while I'm taking pictures.  No one sees me getting there 90 minutes before them prepping for videos/pictures by completing research and data entry for each vehicle, compiling their Internet Sales Log, writing a unique description for each used vehicle, and compliance issues related to it all.  I only take pictures in their eyes.  It's one of the reasons I get no respect there and why, given the right scenario, I would quit and leave them hanging in a moments notice.

    Finding another job within the automotive industry locally will be hard for me given that many dealerships here know of me and know my story and don't want to bring a potential issue into their fold.  Even with over 20 years of diversified experience and knowledge, the black-balling quells most opportunities for me to advance and improve.  I will either have to expand my knowledge base by getting more education or step outside of this industry and pray I find someone willing to hire a 55 year old women and pay me what I need to survive.  

    Ok, I've ranted enough.  It's a beautiful day shaping up and I will do my best to relax outside in and by my pool.  I got it all pH balanced yesterday, so just a mild cleaning and it's ready to go!  Happy Father's Day!!

05.27.2020

It's been a few since I have written, but not that I haven't got things going on.  The first thing is my blood work came back and everything is normal!  This is the first time everything the doctor wants to monitor for my overall health has been in the normal range.  Even my hormone levels, which have trended in the wrong direction over the past year, have improved and are exactly where I need them to be.  I'm feeling good about my health, even as I age and start getting into that 'Senior Citizen' threshold.  I also had a Covid-19 antibody test and Covid-19 exposure test done yesterday.  Both of these tests were done to confirm whether or not I have the virus, which is not likely, or if I have had the virus and currently have antibodies.  My doctor and I both suspect I may have had Covid-19 based on her treatment of my ailments in January, so she ordered the tests for reference purposes.

I'm looking at ordering a corset for waist training purposes to help my reduce my waist size.  All of the exercise I do only goes so far and the corset waist training is designed to help my body reshape like I want it to.  I was sized and suggested a couple of different corsets based on my body, but I just haven't pulled the trigger on it yet.  Right now, there seems to be more money going out than coming in, so I have to be very diligent on my spending.

I'm not dating and don't have any prospects at this point.  There is one guy in the Quitman, GA area who has shown interest, but I just don't get that warm and fuzzy feeling around him.  I was always taught to trust your instincts and while he is a nice guy, I don't feel comfortable enough around him to open up to him.  There is one I have an interest in and he works for the same company as I do, but at the Corporate level rather than the dealership level as I do.  He knows my history, yet is still very understanding and sweet.  He has shown nothing but compassion and has reached out to me, not because of business dealings, but just because.  He lives in the Macon, GA area, about 2.5 hrs. north of me, but not an insurmountable distance.  He indicated that he plans to be down this way in a couple of weeks and I think it would be nice to see him...Just sayin'.

My garden is doing very well as I have having to give away cucumbers and zucchini right now, so many have grown.  One of my potato plants got blown over and partially exposed the tubers growing.  They are still smaller than a store bought, but looking great.  I'm not optimistic about my corn...looks wimpy, but it's not ready to pick anyway.  The tomatoes are doing well, but none have ripened yet.

My youngest daughter is looking in earnest for a home of her own.  With her fiancee, they hope to move out before the end of the year, establish themselves, and then plan the wedding.  She has made the suggestion that she would like me to be her 'Maid of Honor', which would be interesting because of our family relationship.  I told her I would bang the idea around in my head, but I haven't come to grips with the whole thing yet.  I walked with my other two daughters, but this position is different.  Her mother still needs to be honored and I wouldn't want to take that from her at all.  Still, it is a dream come true for me if it happens.  I have thought about it long ago and it does appeal to me.

Lonely Life

Yesterday evening I get a text from my youngest daughter announcing that she was asked and accepted a proposal for marriage from her long time boyfriend.  While the event doesn't shock me, I was still caught a bit off guard considering the two of them have lived in my home for the past 4+ years.  I would have hoped that he would have at least asked for permission, which I would have easily granted, before deciding what day to propose.  But, the decision was ultimately his and I am happy for the both of them.
With the announcement of their engagement, the end of my direct parenting is in sight.  I no longer consider her a 'child', but an adult who is capable of making decisions that will affect the rest of her life.  It also means I fully expect them to leave my home for their own place before 2020 is over, leaving me here by myself.
This coming Wednesday, May 20th, would have been my 32nd wedding anniversary.  Just over 5 years ago, I found out that my ex was having an affair, later which I learned was well over a year long, and it effectively ended my marriage that night.  I filed for divorce a week later and on April 5, 2015 I was officially divorced. That first year was the hardest for me as not only did I have to learn how to manage a home by myself, but I also started my life transition.
So now I'm sitting in my kitchen listening to the hum of the refrigerator and the tick-tock of the clock in the living room wondering where time has gone.  It seems like only yesterday that my girls were hanging off of my ankles as I tried to walk around the house.  Now, my 'baby' is going to get married.  I am happy that each one of my daughters found someone to cling to that makes them feel secure and safe.  I remind them all that they made a commitment to that person as it's not to be taken lightly.  They saw my pain finding out about how cheating hurts and urge them not to do so themselves.
As for me, this is a solo ride from here on out.  I do not have any close friends to hang out with, any hobbies I enjoy any longer, or any interests worth pursuing.  No one wants to date someone such as myself because of all of the potential baggage and problems I represent socially.  I am truly an outsider of all classes because I chose to be myself.
I will admit I have trust issues stemming from the failure of past relationships and false promises by those claiming support, yet vanish in the moment when I needed it.  While I do have an association with the LBGTQ+ community, I'm part of such a small sub-group under that umbrella, we're barely even noticed.  I will not date someone from that community as I am not a gay man, a crossdresser, a transvestite, she-male, lesbian, or gender neutral.  I'm not into someone that sees me as a play partner for sexual stimulus or gratification. 
I carry a sadness around me I can't shake.  It comes from feeling out of place in a crowded room, because everyone else doesn't have gender issues.  No one looks at me as the woman I know that I am.  I will always be that outsider.   I feel overwhelmed and unable to find a path to allow a smile to remain on my face for more than a few, brief moments. 
My happily ever after has come and gone with the pain of infidelity.  I was made to feel like the guilty party because I was struggling inside, but I never strayed and never stopped loving my ex until that day.  I had always hoped that being married and loving someone was all that I needed to find true happiness, but it isn't.  If you don't love yourself first, you will never find happiness at all. This is why I made the change.
I love the person I am today.  There is no more internal struggle, no tug of war.  I am just me.  But because of that, I have been shunned, exiled to a dead end job, ridiculed, and lied to.  This is a solo ride for me...I believe it now more than ever.

05.13.2020

There are days when I am so busy, my random thoughts escape notice and I blissfully handle the tasks directly in front of me.  Then there are days like today, totally uneventful and utterly boring, which allow my random thoughts to gain some sort of momentum and rational. 
I was just reading about how Jared Kushner, the President's Son-in-Law, was hinting that the Presidential election could be pushed back due to the virus.  At first I thought that this was an absurd notion, a folly not even worth review, but then I thought of all of the different hints we have been getting from this White House about who is in charge and what they want.
I am no conspiracy theorists, but this group has me spooked a bit.  From day one this President and his closest advisors, cabinets members, and appointees have sought to congeal power to a very select group while trying their best to declassify people as legitimate members of society, valued workers, and important to the nation as a whole.  They have sought to impose their values regardless of the mass impact it has on our nation with little regard to law and fairness.
I am a centrist, neither for the left or the right, so I see good in both sides and I also see the bad in the extremes.  I get the sense that we are running dangerously close to having an Autocratic society replacing our Republic.  The mindset of one person or family running and ruling a country like ours is dangerous and we simply can't allow such a system to take hold.  The examples of such rulers fill our history books and every one shows that these systems collapse under their own greed and need for more power.
Federal law prevents the delay of the national election, however the hints that are being dropped should not be ignored.  These are dangerous thoughts and those that dismiss them as folly are just as idiotic as those professing them.  I'm not saying we should vote one way or the other, but trying to hold onto power by de-legitimatizing an election or simply postponing it is just wrong.  The arguments for doing so include fraud and voter turnout due to COVID-19.
We are supposed to be the beacon of hope to the world; a light where those who are oppressed look for a brighter future, yet we have allowed hate and bias skew our view of others not like us.  Our system of government isn't perfect, but it is better than most.  We have been consumed by greed and we have divested ourselves of anyone not in the same income bracket.  Companies leave the US for more profit and then ask for tax relief to come back.  The government capitulates and then 'We The People' pay for their return.  In the end, the rich keep getting richer while the worker bares the brunt of the load to cover costs.
My point is, we simply cannot allow a delay to let 'We The People' to have our voice heard, regardless if it is for or against this current administration.  We cannot allow the benefit of a few choice groups at the cost of the majority.  This virus is a curse, but it is also a blessing.  It has allowed us to step back from the blinding blitz of our daily lives and allowed us to see if things really need to go on as before. 
We have an opportunity to reset the narrative and do things better.  We have an obligation to take care our our world, our neighbors, and ourselves, but sitting silently while others overtly trample on the rights of a nation and the rule of law, well, that's just wrong.

05.12.2020

Well, as promised, I decided to write again.  Not much new has changed.  I'm still single, still working out, still trying to cover my life expenses.  With the virus making the determination on what we can do, there are only so many choices beyond the bare basics.
Physically I am tired, not sleeping all that much beyond the first few hours every night.  My nights are being filled with vivid dreams and images.  Some make no sense whatsoever, others hit close to home and the fears I deal with.  I don't think that my restlessness is a result of the pandemic, which some have speculated may be the cause, but rather a general feeling of not being in control of my own future.  There is a general drift about my life right now, no sense of a firm direction to which I must head.  I have no goals to which I seek to obtain; nothing that really drives me.
Maybe it's pure selfishness turning inward and divesting myself from society except for a few chosen people.  Maybe it's self-preservation by staying away from those I fear may come to cause me pain.  My social awkwardness hasn't gotten easier with age, but since my life change, I find fewer and fewer people I can relate to on a personal level.  I'm sure the awkwardness of my situation stymies more than a few people who don't want to offend by asking the wrong question or saying something that might be offensive, but I have heard just about all of it already and don't mind an honest question if it isn't for someones personal kicks.
When it comes to standing up for myself, I find that I am a wimp.  Big thoughts in my head, but little action in life.  I beat myself up for not doing more in the moment, but the times I have, I feel great regret for showing out.  I'm not a bad person, but revenge skewers my attitude towards my adversaries and how much I'd love to be the one to serve that dish.  Yet I know I won't.  That's not me.
My modus operandi has almost always been to turn and walk away; to save my energy for a fight worth fighting rather than to engage in someone else's attack on me.  I'm an easy target for bullies.  I always have been.  Now as I watch my status as a valued member of society come under question, it's hard not to feel meek at the hands of those deemed 'upstanding citizens' and society leaders.   This is part of my helplessness I feel.
I have a very witty sense of humor and love to get cheeky with people when there is good banter between us.  I miss laughing...I really do.  There is only so much I can do with my own adult children before you get to the line they start feeling uncomfortable because you're the parent.  Some things should never be shared, even if it's family.  I love my daughters, but know their future no longer relies on me, but their spouses/boyfriend and the life they will lead together.  I am a spectator now and that's a good thing.