An Open Letter

An open letter to President Barack Obama, Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, & Ron Paul.

From your "Average American"

Dear Gentlemen;

I am what you would call an Average American living day to day, week to week, going to work, paying my bills, feeding my children, and paying my taxes.  I am in my mid-40's and identify as a "Conservative Republican", but I do not allow this label to limit how I vote or what side of an issue I will stand on.  The reason I am writing this letter is that I am concerned about this country and what the future holds for my children.

As a child, I was brought up with the idealistic views that anyone in this country can rise to the level of President, regardless of class, social-economic standing, race, gender or creed.  As an adult, those ideals are a farfetched fantasy.  In principle this is possible, but I feel today the selection of our Senators, Representatives, and President are not due to a few votes, but by how much money is poured into a campaign. 

As a voter, I am turned off by the constant 10 sec. clips on T.V. from a candidate or the President giving a speech written by a hired hand or volunteer which finishes with a roaring crowd in the background.  I don't believe for a minute that these are truly your words or heart-felt passions. I am not looking for someone who talks a good game, but a Statesman, a true Leader.  This is a great void in our nation today.  We have lost the concept of Statesmanship because we are too concerned with out-jousting our opponent on a given issue rather than stating a goal and achieving it.  It's all about staying in power, rather than serving those you represent.  While I understand that there are too many points of view to please everyone, we all have basic needs and the desire to have a bit of peace at the end of the day.

We have created a Union where millions now rely on the government for their daily existence and a class of super rich citizens who do not feel the pain of rising prices or drops in income.  In the middle, myself and millions of other Americans are wondering whether we will able to actually achieve that elusive "American Dream", or be scuttled to the bottom and made another dependent of the State.

I have watched as many have struggled mightily in this current economy and have had their credit ruined by the falsehood of mischievous banking practices, job cuts, and having to take jobs that pay minimum or just above minimum wage.  I am not encouraged when I see report saying the unemployment rate is down when in fact the only reason I see it falling is many simply have run out of their benefits or have taken lower paying jobs.  These under-employed people should be a shameful mark on any President, Congressman, or local official who brags that we are in a recovery!  Creating minimum wage jobs is NOT JOB GROWTH!

Why do we allow a banking system to charge fee after fee, charge interest rates in the double digits even for well qualified borrowers, yet only return less than 2% on your average savings account?  Lock your money in a CD for a better rate, yet still far below what they ask to borrow it back.  They can charge 12-18% or more on a credit card, which is compounded monthly, yet give you only pennies on the dollar to hold your money?  Why do we allow speculators to run up the cost of oil when we have laws in place that can limit this practice?  Why does Congress vote to increase their pay to compensate for inflation, yet does nothing to prevent companies from shipping jobs overseas?  MONEY!!! Plain and simple.  To me, Government and Wall Street are too intertwined to put  real and fair policies in place that protect and benefit the masses.

None of you relate to the Average American.  None of you feel the growl of an empty stomach or have to choose "do I put gas in the tank or food on the table?"  I have heard people making those very choices!  Would any one of you be willing to spend a day walking in the shoes of an average American?  Is your schedule too full of meetings and speeches, handshaking and deal making, fundraising and photo-ops?  Would you shun the media and all the cameras?

I guarantee that if someone in your family became seriously ill, you would find a way to clear your schedule and spend time with them, comfort them, and aid them anyway you could.  Guess what, America is seriously ill!  If you are the BEST that we have out of 330+ Million people in this country, then we look to you for a remedy, a real fix, to make us healthy again.  But how can you when you don't relate?  How can you when you partner yourself to those that are self-serving?  If power is the only thing you are after, I don't want you leading this nation!  A real leader will engage, on a personal level, those he/she leads.  A real leader will act, not react, to promote security and the well-being of the masses.  A real leader would be willing to sacrifice short term gains for long term growth.  A real leader would be a Statesman, a true patriot of this nation.  Are any of you a REAL LEADER?

Please put away your soapbox and talk to us, not at us.  Look into the eyes of those you wish to serve and see what really needs to be done.  Spend the extra time to really listen, not just hear those around you.  Since we can't get to your level, come down to ours.  Give me and millions across this nation a reason to have hope that our future isn't lost, that the middle class can survive and flourish, that our children will look upon this as a time when we dug our heels into the ground, made the tough decisions and right choices.  I believe that if you give a person a fish, you've fed them for a day.  If you teach a person to fish, you've fed them for a lifetime.   Please don't allow the ability for me to fish to be taken from me.  Let's start teaching others to fish so they too can feed themselves.  

This election is not about Republican or Democrat, but those who have and those who have not.

Outter smiles, inner tears

I want to try to make sense of the things going on inside my head.  I'm trying to view it from a very logical perspective, but maybe I'm too close to the situation.  I've chatted online with a couple of people who are genuinely caring and want to help and I'm very grateful for that.  Still, I can't get past the feeling that I'm on a very slippery slope with an elephant on my back trying to go uphill.
I'm doing my best to put a smile on my face.  Everyday, I find some reason to start over, to make it through.  But inside, I am crying.  I hurt, badly.  I don't have the venue to release my frustrations over who I am without causing great harm to those I truly love.  Everything I have worked hard for is at a tipping point and is in danger of collapsing into a great heap at my feet.
I have choked back tears over the past several weeks and it is happening more and more frequently.  Even today, I had to stop work to re-focus over the frustration building inside.  All that has to happen to trip this scenario is just the sudden realization that I am not a real woman, but only hoping to be one.  Several times I have found myself in a very feminine posture or mental mode, only to have reality slap me across the face and set me back in place.  These feminine modes/postures are done unknowingly, but when I have to adjust to the world around me to keep my secret, it's like tearing the wound open afresh.

A little over nine years ago, I had surgery to remove a "hydrocele" or water sack around my right testicle.  It became severely inflamed and there was a fear cancer may have caused the swelling.  Ever since the surgery, (non-cancerous), this testicle has been very irritable and tender, never feeling the same.  Lately, there has even been swelling and fluid build up again.  I have made an appointment to meet with my urologist to see if this testicle is ever going to be the same, or at least not as tender.  Secretly, I am hoping this bad boy is on his way out.  If I must have surgery again, I will ask the surgeon to remove it out of comfort and fear it will develop into something much more later.  The appointment is for Sept. 8th, or sooner if cancellations happen.  I will keep you informed.

07/29/2011

I can't believe it has almost been two months since I last wrote.  I'm currently recovering from a root canal on a tooth that just up and died.  It will be a couple more days before this pain subsides and I'm just about out of pain meds.  I'll live through it and hopefully be pain free in my face for awhile.
I've been talking with a couple of my friends and I guess I'm sounding frazzled or un-nerved.  My issues with my gender still appeared to be about the same to me, but others have noticed that I am becoming increasingly destructive in my behavior, both personally and physically.  I have forced myself to take a look at what they were seeing.
Emotionally, I am not handling it as well as I would like to.  My thoughts are all over the place.  I don't have anyone in my family I can talk to.  There are moments I really wish I could just leave and start over.  Other times I wish I were dead.  I know I can't be both Rachelle and have my family, that has been made painfully obvious over the years.
Right now, I'm terribly lonely and confused.  I need a hug and a shoulder to cry on, but I don't have that option.  I'm supposed to be the strong one.  I'm supposed to be the one holding everyone else up.  I'm supposed to be the one fighting off the bad guys.  I'm forced to face this alone.
Thanks for my online friends for chatting, but you have your fights and demons too.  I can't burden you with my troubles too.

06/02/2011

So much has happened over the past several weeks and I haven't had time to write, let alone take a deep breath.  I'm sitting at my desk at the end of yet another 11 hour work day and I am sore from having been sitting here and walking the lot on these hot pre-summer days.
Today, the COO/CFO of our dealer group stopped in and personally asked me to review every other website in our dealer group to see what works, what doesn't, and who isn't keeping pace.  We are to use our website as the template on how they want things done.  We are also going to be the dealership that gets to try out a new feature that allows our customers to view the entire dealer groups used inventory directly from our site.  We gets to see the benefits, and pitfalls, before anyone else.  I guess I should feel flattered that the head of our group has enough confidence in me to ask me to do this.  At times, my GM makes me feel about ankle high and unworthy of working here.
Just celebrated my 23rd anniversary and that went pretty good.  Watched my youngest finish up the 7th grade as an honor student with distinction!  My other two daughters both finished their college years on the President's and Dean's list.
My father has taken a turn for the worse and has been placed in a nursing home.  He has evidently been over-medication himself with the Parkinson's medicine for years, according to the doctors, and the cumulative effects have caused dementia, hallucinations, and amnesia.  According to my family and the doctors, we are looking at 3-6 months before we lose him.  His wife does not have the money for a burial spot, so all of us kids are looking at options prior to his death.  Not a fun subject.

With all of the stress in my life, I can't seem to gain much weight, but according to my regular blood donations, heart rate, blood pressure, etc, I'm pretty healthy.  I am fatigued and fitful rest is my routine nightly.  I have found time here and there for a little Rachelle time, but I still have to be mindful that I have a very nosey 13 year old who is known for barging into my room unannounced.  I have been taking a combination of herbs with HRT, but because of my indecisiveness, I can't commit fully to HRT for fear of hurting my family.  I have posted pictures, then taken them down.  I have practiced my makeup, only to have to remove it after just a few hours, unseen by anyone but me.  Even when I try to remain the person I was born, I can't help but groome my body by plucking or shaving.  It's as if Rachelle is letting me know she isn't going away.  I've caught myself doing this several times unwittingly, even though I told myself I was just going to go back to who I was.  I am slowing losing myself, but don't seem to care.
I have been chatting online with a couple of t-girls, one who is struggling mightily and one who fully grasps the reign of her transition.  I wonder which one I will be.  Will I be?  This fence strattling is tough, although I seem to do it so well.  But I know it's just a matter of time until something knocks me from the fence.  Which side of the yard I fall on, and how hard, remains to be seen.

05/03/2011

The world seems like a happier place today, although with some cautious optimism, after hearing of the news of the death of Usama Bin Laden.  It took almost 9 1/2 years to track this terrorist and avenge the deaths of nearly 3,000 people from the attacks on 9/11.  To hear the details on how he was finally tracked and killed is a testament to the tenacity of the American Spirit and strength of our will.  There are, of course, those detractors who believe we should not have our young men and women in harms way, not supporting our military to protect the freedom they enjoy.  I believe that as tired as I am about having our sons and daughters away from home, their steadfast dedication has produced the fruit we have long sought after.
Is it time to bring them home?  I don't think so, not yet.  We still face an enemy bent on the destruction of freedom and wishes to impose authoritarianistic religious rule on all they can dominate.  Some are simply thugs, others dim-witted followers promised euphoric bliss in the afterlife for killing those who don't believe as they do.  I'm optimistic we have turned a corner, but this fight is far from over.

Ok, enough about the news.  I haven't been able to write lately as work has me pinned back and by the time I get home, I'm three sheets to the wind.  I've got several things that have happened lately and several events still coming in the short term.
My middle daughter just moved out of the house and in with her boyfriend to a house they have leased for a year.  I don't believe she is ready to make it by herself, but she has wanted to move out for the past year.  I have not openly supported this move, even though I knew these days were coming.  When she first wanted to move out a year ago, I told her to get a budget together, plan, and then move forward.  She did all that, but I had hoped she would have come to me to look over their plans and to make us part of them before jumping in with both feet.  I was and am hurt that she didn't feel she could come to me prior to casting the die.  As for right now, I pray for her daily and wish her the best, but I have no plans to visit them at their house.  They are always welcome back to mine.
The next couple of weeks will be interesting as this Sunday is of course Mother's Day and in a bit over two weeks, my wedding anniversary is coming up.  Mother's Day is no big deal.  Candy, flowers, dinner, and a card.  Same every year.  The anniversary is a bit different.  This is where you profess your love for your spouse and devotion for life. 
I do love my wife, but the part of me that is Rachelle is slowly gaining ground.  I have been taking HRT and my drive is not what it once was.  I fear that I will need to come off of HRT for the time being in order to maintain the illusion that all is well, but I know in my heart that one day, this too will be gone. 
If there were someone who could take me away and let me become Rachelle, if there was some way my family wouldn't feel the pain, if there were a way I could be finally happy, I would welcome it.  I try not to be depressed about my situation as I am blessed with health and financial stability.  I have it better than many people I know.
If there is someone out there who can help, let me know.  I'm listening.

04/11/2001

I am really having a tough go of it today.  I've got so much on my mind.  I guess I'll just knock them down one at a time.
I had a dream Saturday morning that left me puzzled.  I'm not sure how the dream started and I'm not sure that it is even relevant to the end, but it got interesting when I felt the need to talk in private with a male friend that was with me in the dream.  We decided to walk out of a small room, similar to a kitchen to see if we could find some privacy.  We ended up in a hallway that was lined with people sitting in black chairs.  We walked passed all of them to the other end of the hall to a doorway that led to yet another hallway.  People were sitting in the opening of the door and and when we asked them to move to let us pass, one woman refused to move, blocking our path.  We turned around and headed back down the hallway to see if there was another way around and on our right, we came upon a large wooden door that looked as if it had been boarded up with a large piece of plywood.  There was no handle, but I was able to get my fingers around the edge and began to open it slowly.  Some of the people in the hallway said not to go in this room, "They won't like it."
Undeterred, I swung open the door to find a totally dark room.  Suddenly, lights, like difuse sunlight, began to shine on different areas of the room, giving me some detail.  The room was more like an old theatre, say 1920's to 1930's Vaudville style, but it had been converted to house something more like a church.  The stage area was about 2/3rds the width of the room and the entire back wall was covered with organ pipes.  The rest of the stage had an organ to my right and a larger than usual pulpit just right of center in the front.  On the pulpit sat two rather large and very old leather bound "Bibles".  They were very worn.  Over the stage was ornate woodwork that had tarnished with age and lack of maintanence.
As the lights moved across the room, I could see seats, about a dozen rows or so, facing the stage.  These weren't pews, but wooden chair and benches.  There were cobwebs and dust in every corner and assorted debris littered the ground.  I felt a presence in the room too.  It was not an evil presence, but soothing to be around.  I felt her speaking to me.
I slowly watched the lights fade and I backed out of the room, closing the door behind me.  Immediately, several of the people in the hallway asked me if I had seen the "Bibles" on the pulpit.  When I said yes, several freaked out and began to leave.  They seemed disturbed that we had actually seen them.  Some of the people yelled that they couldn't be around knowing we had seen the books.  My friend and I looked at each other and we were both thinking the same thing.  He said, "I think she was trying to give us a message."  Instantly I knew what the message was.  "Restore and display."  Then I woke up.
I have spent the past 24+ hrs. trying to figure out what the dream means.  I looked up dream interpretations and a theatre is suppose to represent your life.  But has my life become old and lacks maintanence?  Restore and display what?

I became jealous in church today.  Jealous of the women sitting around me for just being women.  IN CHURCH!!  I have saved up money to buy clothes and jewelry, started up on low doseage hormones, and plucking, pulling, and tweezing enough hair to knit a sweater, but it never seems enough.  I get depressed when I feel I'm never going to get to the promised land.  I see glimpses of Rachelle in the mirror, but for just brief moments.
If there is anyone who would understand what that dream really means, let me know.  I'm praying about it to see if I can get a better understanding, but any ideas may be right.  I better stop for the day.

03/30/2001

I sit here again at my desk, plodding away another day of my life trying to make a dollar for a man I am really beginning to dislike.  This morning, we were told that if we were unable to meet our goals during the month in the time that we are working, the days off we normally have would be gone, meaning 6-7 day work weeks, 12+ hrs. a day.
This man does not have children, is a type A$$**** personality and lives to work.  None of the managers I work with believe he realizes that one of the main reasons business has slowed down is the fact gas prices have shot higher, about the same level in 2008 when the economy began to tank.  Even now, car sales aren't the only things on the downward trend.  People are putting their hands back in their pocket because the last downturn wiped out so many people, the ones that made it through, still haven't completely recovered and fear a similar fate.

As far as me personally, I'm very tired and don't have time to decompress from work.  I have started taking real hormones again, (spiro and estrogen), as well as continuing to supplement them with herbs.  I have cut down the amount of herbs to make sure I don't overload my body and create other health risks, but in case you are wondering, the three herbs I'm still taking are Wild Yam, Black Cohosh, and Fenugreek.  Fenugreek is supposed to aid in the development of Mother's Milk in lactating women, increasing breast size and structure.  Here's a tidbit:  Did you know that a woman's breast is not "Fully Developed" until she has produced milk?  Check it out!
I'm holding at about 155 +/- lbs.  Haven't moved much over the past several weeks.  I also haven't been able to fully allow Rachelle to live, but every day I do something that allows Rachelle to live.  I've noticed, even before I started back on hormones, some subtle changes in my movements and posture.  Sure, I've quietly watched and studied women to mock their movements, but here and there, I catch myself doing the same things.  When I'm sitting in a chair, crossing my legs across the knees is now so natural, I actually have to undo them or I get stares.  I have even found myself holding my hands on my hips much in the way women do, which I have never done before.
Depression is still a big battle for me daily.  Most of it surrounds the frustration I feel about not being able to be me.  I worry about what becoming Rachelle will do to my family, especially my youngest who at 13, is at a critical developmental point in her live.  Some have said kids are resilient and will bounce right back.  How do you recover when your father becomes your 2nd mother?  What kind of peer pressure and ostracism would she face?
I have no doubt, that while painful at first, my wife and other two daughter would adjust and bond.  I would be the outsider looking in and lose everything I have worked for over the past 25 years.  I would have to start over with nothing but the clothes on my back and a few dollar to scrape up.  I would likely lose my job and be forced to move from the area.  It always brings me back to the image I have in my head of sitting alone as an old person; no one to love and no one to love me. 
One day I know I'll be found out again and my world will come crashing down to my feet.  Any support I'll receive won't come from my family or local friends, but rather the friends I've made online who have some understanding of the issues I feel inside.  I appreciate your friendship.