It's almost 3 AM when I started writing this, so if there are spelling error, forgive me. I have had a lot happen to me since I last wrote, some good, some bad, but all meant as some sort of lesson I suppose.
My name is Rachelle Marie Walker, not the birth name by my parents, but the name I now associate myself with more often than any other. I have reached to point to where I am no longer "a guy in a dress", but now better referenced as "a woman with a five o'clock shadow". The HRT I have been taking has pushed me beyond the threshold of merely hoping to get a few feminine features to having A cup breasts, pronounced weight loss, and more feminine mannerisms than I can control.
I am unable to stop taking hormones because, 1.) it is like a trained response and habit and 2.) I have noticed that my body begins to act almost violently when I even go one day with no HRT at all, most noticeably, I get sharp pains in my ears and my sinuses become very agitated. The only reasons I don't take HRT is for erectile dysfunction issues, (yes, it has happened), or I have run out. I usually load up on hormones heavier at the start of the week and taper down, but now I have to take at least 2 MG estrogen once or twice late in the week to curb the above mentioned symptoms. For you DIY critics out there, the MAX medicine I take is 6-8 MG estrogen and 100-200 MG Spiro daily. Usual dose is 4 MG estro & 100 MG spiro. I am currently in search of a Doctor receptive to TG issues and who will prescribe a monitored hormone regiment for me.
I had surgery at the end of June for testicular torsion, basically the nut twisted and cut off the blood supply on the right side. This was the third time I had a procedure done on that testicle and told the Dr. that if he couldn't fix it so I wasn't hurting or uncomfortable to remove it. He didn't listen. He uncoiled the knot and sewed it to the scrotum wall, but also seemed to attach it to the left gonad as well. Now instead of the gonads moving independently and freely, they are slaves to each other and bind in the shorts often. As part of my self examination, I can feel a lot of extra tissue and structures on the right side. Something is still not right and I really feel like it is diseased or growing extra blood vessels/nerves just like before when it starting "short circuiting", causing nausea and a deep aching pain. It just needs to go away.
My goal is to be a complete woman. Unless you did a blood test, dressed or naked, I'd look like a woman, talk like a woman, move like a woman, smell like a woman, and not have anyone second guess me. As a 1970's song said, "You've got to go through hell before you get to heaven." How true.
As much as it hurts, I am preparing myself for the eventual separation and divorce from my spouse. She is a loving and kind person and deserves someone who can love her for the woman she is. She knows of Rachelle and will not allow me to live as I feel under this roof with her. But for many, many years I have taken care of my family while withholding things for myself. I have torn myself to shreds emotionally trying to make sense of this, but the truth is this is who I am. It's time to take care of myself.
If I can control my depression, I will find the strength to live as I feel and hopefully find a smile. If I can't, you'd read about my demise in the local obits.
I am tired and can no longer focus my eyes. I'm going to bed, again.
