05.27.2020

It's been a few since I have written, but not that I haven't got things going on.  The first thing is my blood work came back and everything is normal!  This is the first time everything the doctor wants to monitor for my overall health has been in the normal range.  Even my hormone levels, which have trended in the wrong direction over the past year, have improved and are exactly where I need them to be.  I'm feeling good about my health, even as I age and start getting into that 'Senior Citizen' threshold.  I also had a Covid-19 antibody test and Covid-19 exposure test done yesterday.  Both of these tests were done to confirm whether or not I have the virus, which is not likely, or if I have had the virus and currently have antibodies.  My doctor and I both suspect I may have had Covid-19 based on her treatment of my ailments in January, so she ordered the tests for reference purposes.

I'm looking at ordering a corset for waist training purposes to help my reduce my waist size.  All of the exercise I do only goes so far and the corset waist training is designed to help my body reshape like I want it to.  I was sized and suggested a couple of different corsets based on my body, but I just haven't pulled the trigger on it yet.  Right now, there seems to be more money going out than coming in, so I have to be very diligent on my spending.

I'm not dating and don't have any prospects at this point.  There is one guy in the Quitman, GA area who has shown interest, but I just don't get that warm and fuzzy feeling around him.  I was always taught to trust your instincts and while he is a nice guy, I don't feel comfortable enough around him to open up to him.  There is one I have an interest in and he works for the same company as I do, but at the Corporate level rather than the dealership level as I do.  He knows my history, yet is still very understanding and sweet.  He has shown nothing but compassion and has reached out to me, not because of business dealings, but just because.  He lives in the Macon, GA area, about 2.5 hrs. north of me, but not an insurmountable distance.  He indicated that he plans to be down this way in a couple of weeks and I think it would be nice to see him...Just sayin'.

My garden is doing very well as I have having to give away cucumbers and zucchini right now, so many have grown.  One of my potato plants got blown over and partially exposed the tubers growing.  They are still smaller than a store bought, but looking great.  I'm not optimistic about my corn...looks wimpy, but it's not ready to pick anyway.  The tomatoes are doing well, but none have ripened yet.

My youngest daughter is looking in earnest for a home of her own.  With her fiancee, they hope to move out before the end of the year, establish themselves, and then plan the wedding.  She has made the suggestion that she would like me to be her 'Maid of Honor', which would be interesting because of our family relationship.  I told her I would bang the idea around in my head, but I haven't come to grips with the whole thing yet.  I walked with my other two daughters, but this position is different.  Her mother still needs to be honored and I wouldn't want to take that from her at all.  Still, it is a dream come true for me if it happens.  I have thought about it long ago and it does appeal to me.

Lonely Life

Yesterday evening I get a text from my youngest daughter announcing that she was asked and accepted a proposal for marriage from her long time boyfriend.  While the event doesn't shock me, I was still caught a bit off guard considering the two of them have lived in my home for the past 4+ years.  I would have hoped that he would have at least asked for permission, which I would have easily granted, before deciding what day to propose.  But, the decision was ultimately his and I am happy for the both of them.
With the announcement of their engagement, the end of my direct parenting is in sight.  I no longer consider her a 'child', but an adult who is capable of making decisions that will affect the rest of her life.  It also means I fully expect them to leave my home for their own place before 2020 is over, leaving me here by myself.
This coming Wednesday, May 20th, would have been my 32nd wedding anniversary.  Just over 5 years ago, I found out that my ex was having an affair, later which I learned was well over a year long, and it effectively ended my marriage that night.  I filed for divorce a week later and on April 5, 2015 I was officially divorced. That first year was the hardest for me as not only did I have to learn how to manage a home by myself, but I also started my life transition.
So now I'm sitting in my kitchen listening to the hum of the refrigerator and the tick-tock of the clock in the living room wondering where time has gone.  It seems like only yesterday that my girls were hanging off of my ankles as I tried to walk around the house.  Now, my 'baby' is going to get married.  I am happy that each one of my daughters found someone to cling to that makes them feel secure and safe.  I remind them all that they made a commitment to that person as it's not to be taken lightly.  They saw my pain finding out about how cheating hurts and urge them not to do so themselves.
As for me, this is a solo ride from here on out.  I do not have any close friends to hang out with, any hobbies I enjoy any longer, or any interests worth pursuing.  No one wants to date someone such as myself because of all of the potential baggage and problems I represent socially.  I am truly an outsider of all classes because I chose to be myself.
I will admit I have trust issues stemming from the failure of past relationships and false promises by those claiming support, yet vanish in the moment when I needed it.  While I do have an association with the LBGTQ+ community, I'm part of such a small sub-group under that umbrella, we're barely even noticed.  I will not date someone from that community as I am not a gay man, a crossdresser, a transvestite, she-male, lesbian, or gender neutral.  I'm not into someone that sees me as a play partner for sexual stimulus or gratification. 
I carry a sadness around me I can't shake.  It comes from feeling out of place in a crowded room, because everyone else doesn't have gender issues.  No one looks at me as the woman I know that I am.  I will always be that outsider.   I feel overwhelmed and unable to find a path to allow a smile to remain on my face for more than a few, brief moments. 
My happily ever after has come and gone with the pain of infidelity.  I was made to feel like the guilty party because I was struggling inside, but I never strayed and never stopped loving my ex until that day.  I had always hoped that being married and loving someone was all that I needed to find true happiness, but it isn't.  If you don't love yourself first, you will never find happiness at all. This is why I made the change.
I love the person I am today.  There is no more internal struggle, no tug of war.  I am just me.  But because of that, I have been shunned, exiled to a dead end job, ridiculed, and lied to.  This is a solo ride for me...I believe it now more than ever.

05.13.2020

There are days when I am so busy, my random thoughts escape notice and I blissfully handle the tasks directly in front of me.  Then there are days like today, totally uneventful and utterly boring, which allow my random thoughts to gain some sort of momentum and rational. 
I was just reading about how Jared Kushner, the President's Son-in-Law, was hinting that the Presidential election could be pushed back due to the virus.  At first I thought that this was an absurd notion, a folly not even worth review, but then I thought of all of the different hints we have been getting from this White House about who is in charge and what they want.
I am no conspiracy theorists, but this group has me spooked a bit.  From day one this President and his closest advisors, cabinets members, and appointees have sought to congeal power to a very select group while trying their best to declassify people as legitimate members of society, valued workers, and important to the nation as a whole.  They have sought to impose their values regardless of the mass impact it has on our nation with little regard to law and fairness.
I am a centrist, neither for the left or the right, so I see good in both sides and I also see the bad in the extremes.  I get the sense that we are running dangerously close to having an Autocratic society replacing our Republic.  The mindset of one person or family running and ruling a country like ours is dangerous and we simply can't allow such a system to take hold.  The examples of such rulers fill our history books and every one shows that these systems collapse under their own greed and need for more power.
Federal law prevents the delay of the national election, however the hints that are being dropped should not be ignored.  These are dangerous thoughts and those that dismiss them as folly are just as idiotic as those professing them.  I'm not saying we should vote one way or the other, but trying to hold onto power by de-legitimatizing an election or simply postponing it is just wrong.  The arguments for doing so include fraud and voter turnout due to COVID-19.
We are supposed to be the beacon of hope to the world; a light where those who are oppressed look for a brighter future, yet we have allowed hate and bias skew our view of others not like us.  Our system of government isn't perfect, but it is better than most.  We have been consumed by greed and we have divested ourselves of anyone not in the same income bracket.  Companies leave the US for more profit and then ask for tax relief to come back.  The government capitulates and then 'We The People' pay for their return.  In the end, the rich keep getting richer while the worker bares the brunt of the load to cover costs.
My point is, we simply cannot allow a delay to let 'We The People' to have our voice heard, regardless if it is for or against this current administration.  We cannot allow the benefit of a few choice groups at the cost of the majority.  This virus is a curse, but it is also a blessing.  It has allowed us to step back from the blinding blitz of our daily lives and allowed us to see if things really need to go on as before. 
We have an opportunity to reset the narrative and do things better.  We have an obligation to take care our our world, our neighbors, and ourselves, but sitting silently while others overtly trample on the rights of a nation and the rule of law, well, that's just wrong.

05.12.2020

Well, as promised, I decided to write again.  Not much new has changed.  I'm still single, still working out, still trying to cover my life expenses.  With the virus making the determination on what we can do, there are only so many choices beyond the bare basics.
Physically I am tired, not sleeping all that much beyond the first few hours every night.  My nights are being filled with vivid dreams and images.  Some make no sense whatsoever, others hit close to home and the fears I deal with.  I don't think that my restlessness is a result of the pandemic, which some have speculated may be the cause, but rather a general feeling of not being in control of my own future.  There is a general drift about my life right now, no sense of a firm direction to which I must head.  I have no goals to which I seek to obtain; nothing that really drives me.
Maybe it's pure selfishness turning inward and divesting myself from society except for a few chosen people.  Maybe it's self-preservation by staying away from those I fear may come to cause me pain.  My social awkwardness hasn't gotten easier with age, but since my life change, I find fewer and fewer people I can relate to on a personal level.  I'm sure the awkwardness of my situation stymies more than a few people who don't want to offend by asking the wrong question or saying something that might be offensive, but I have heard just about all of it already and don't mind an honest question if it isn't for someones personal kicks.
When it comes to standing up for myself, I find that I am a wimp.  Big thoughts in my head, but little action in life.  I beat myself up for not doing more in the moment, but the times I have, I feel great regret for showing out.  I'm not a bad person, but revenge skewers my attitude towards my adversaries and how much I'd love to be the one to serve that dish.  Yet I know I won't.  That's not me.
My modus operandi has almost always been to turn and walk away; to save my energy for a fight worth fighting rather than to engage in someone else's attack on me.  I'm an easy target for bullies.  I always have been.  Now as I watch my status as a valued member of society come under question, it's hard not to feel meek at the hands of those deemed 'upstanding citizens' and society leaders.   This is part of my helplessness I feel.
I have a very witty sense of humor and love to get cheeky with people when there is good banter between us.  I miss laughing...I really do.  There is only so much I can do with my own adult children before you get to the line they start feeling uncomfortable because you're the parent.  Some things should never be shared, even if it's family.  I love my daughters, but know their future no longer relies on me, but their spouses/boyfriend and the life they will lead together.  I am a spectator now and that's a good thing.

Life Update

It's been a long time since I've come to write here.  Many things have changed in my life, some have not.  We are in the midst of the worst pandemic of our lifetimes, but the hype and fear of what is really going on only goes to serve those that want power or want to stay in power.  The truth of the severity, (death rates, infections, potential), really lies somewhere in the middle of the conversation.
It was first told to us that the virus, COVID-19, came to our shores in early February, yet now we have learned that several deaths can be attributed to the virus as early as mid-January in California.  We were told it was first detected outside of China in January, yet now we know that the virus was in Europe sometime in December.  The truth of the origins and timetable are important, but not as important as knowing what is going on today.
I received a text message in very early February from someone who warned me of the coming pandemic and that this virus was in the states and they had been treating patients for 'months' and the numbers they were treating in the Seattle/Puget Sound area were increasing rapidly.  For myself, I had just recovered from what my doctor called a 'respiratory illness' that required two rounds of medications.  After going over the symptoms I experienced, I began to question whether or not COVID-19 was active here in Georgia in late December/January.
I first felt sick around Christmas with body aches, chills, fatigue, and a low grade fever.  I fought off this illness thinking it was just the seasonal flu everyone else was dealing with.  Towards the end of the fever, my sinuses began draining and I got that dry cough everyone talks about.  About 2 days later, it hit again, this time a heavy cough and breathing issues.  I thought I had a sinus infection and since I get several of those during the year, treated it as such.  Then I got Pink Eye, first time ever!  I immediately went to my doctor and they prescribed antibiotics and other congestion medications.  The Pink Eye improved, but the coughing did not.  About 10 days later, I had to return to my doctor to see about quelling my cough, which at this point was interrupting my sleep and daily routine.  They prescribed additional cough and congestion medications, saying it 'seemed like' Bronchitis.  I was given a COPD medication from my ex-BF to help with the breathing and worked at breathing slowly and deeply.  I even worked out at home on my treadmill, coughing like a motor out of tune, but still pushed myself.  It wasn't until after my birthday in January that I finally started to beat the symptoms and return to some normalcy.
Today I am dealing with yearly allergies and the issues coming with that. But I wonder today if the illness I experience in late December through much of January was COVID-19.  Since these antibody tests aren't reliable right now and if I did take one, it would only show that I had the virus, but not when, I don't see the point.  My hope and prayer is that we quit arguing about numbers of dead and dying, people that are sick or asymptomatic, and focus on getting helping those in need and finding a way to live at peace with each other.
It took me a while to find my blog again.  I have been thinking about writing and now that I have, I believe it will be beneficial for me to do so.  I have gone through so much personally over the past years, it's hard to know where to start.  I am still single and not dating, but the want of having a close personal mate is strong.  I have managed to maintain my home, even though my workplace cut my income by $25K a year in 2017 to bring on a 'Marketing Director'.  I borrowed against my home in order to save it because rent on an apartment is more expensive per month than what I currently pay a month on my mortgage.
I am a full 5 years past the beginning of my journey and now over 3 1/2 years post-surgical.  I have dated only one man, but ended that relationship after only 3 months because when the time came for him to defend me, as he promised, he was tuned out and put me into a situation to be insulted in public.  I defended myself and left that situation behind me.  I am not sorry I did so.  It was a great opportunity to see life from this side and the expectations of the future.  I am still 'pure' as a woman, not willing to give that up for something that wasn't going to be long term.
Yesterday, my youngest daughter graduated college with a degree in Psychology and a minor in Art.  I'm so proud of her and my other two daughters.  They are all very smart and strong women.  My middle daughter works as a Radiology Technician at the local hospital and she has seen many of the COVID-19 patients.  She has told us of the struggles for PPE's and restrictions on social interaction.  Luckily, she has not contracted the virus and even spent time with us all yesterday to revel in my youngest daughters accomplishment.  She gets tested regularly, so we aren't concerned.
So now, it's quiet in my home.  The doors are open allowing the cool breeze to flow through my house providing a fresh feeling while the graduates, (my daughter and her BF), sleep off last nights celebration.  I can see my garden and all of the trees gently swaying in the wind.  The birds are busy filling my ears with their songs and the peace of it all is relaxing.  These are the moments I cherish.
I am reminded of what the Chimera represents...two creatures as one being.  I have the future to fill who I am with the events of tomorrow, yet I can rely on the memories of who I was and the life I've lived to guide me today.  I have been asked, "Do you regret what you did, changing and all?".  My answer is no, not at all.  My life is harder, true.  Unaccepted by most, shunned and put aside, but I am me; the person I knew I was all of my life.  There is a satisfaction in knowing the real you and embracing it.  All of the hate and nasty behavior can't ever take that away.
My worse enemy is myself.  The self-doubt and fear of being alone haunts me, but also the lack of trust I have towards people pushes me into my own self-isolation.  I have been hurt so many times, I find it very hard to open up and trust anyone.  I question their motivations for wanting to know me.  That is one reason I decided to find my blog and will do my best to stay on it.  Getting things out will be a good thing for me.

This is me very recently.  What a change from just 5 years ago!  It's important for me to keep smiling and find the positive in life.  One step at a time, upright and dealing with today's challenges.  Find what is positive in your life, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem to others and embrace it!  Like a mustard seed, let it grow into something large and fruitful.