Well, as promised, I decided to write again. Not much new has changed. I'm still single, still working out, still trying to cover my life expenses. With the virus making the determination on what we can do, there are only so many choices beyond the bare basics.
Physically I am tired, not sleeping all that much beyond the first few hours every night. My nights are being filled with vivid dreams and images. Some make no sense whatsoever, others hit close to home and the fears I deal with. I don't think that my restlessness is a result of the pandemic, which some have speculated may be the cause, but rather a general feeling of not being in control of my own future. There is a general drift about my life right now, no sense of a firm direction to which I must head. I have no goals to which I seek to obtain; nothing that really drives me.
Maybe it's pure selfishness turning inward and divesting myself from society except for a few chosen people. Maybe it's self-preservation by staying away from those I fear may come to cause me pain. My social awkwardness hasn't gotten easier with age, but since my life change, I find fewer and fewer people I can relate to on a personal level. I'm sure the awkwardness of my situation stymies more than a few people who don't want to offend by asking the wrong question or saying something that might be offensive, but I have heard just about all of it already and don't mind an honest question if it isn't for someones personal kicks.
When it comes to standing up for myself, I find that I am a wimp. Big thoughts in my head, but little action in life. I beat myself up for not doing more in the moment, but the times I have, I feel great regret for showing out. I'm not a bad person, but revenge skewers my attitude towards my adversaries and how much I'd love to be the one to serve that dish. Yet I know I won't. That's not me.
My modus operandi has almost always been to turn and walk away; to save my energy for a fight worth fighting rather than to engage in someone else's attack on me. I'm an easy target for bullies. I always have been. Now as I watch my status as a valued member of society come under question, it's hard not to feel meek at the hands of those deemed 'upstanding citizens' and society leaders. This is part of my helplessness I feel.
I have a very witty sense of humor and love to get cheeky with people when there is good banter between us. I miss laughing...I really do. There is only so much I can do with my own adult children before you get to the line they start feeling uncomfortable because you're the parent. Some things should never be shared, even if it's family. I love my daughters, but know their future no longer relies on me, but their spouses/boyfriend and the life they will lead together. I am a spectator now and that's a good thing.
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