Yesterday evening I get a text from my youngest daughter announcing that she was asked and accepted a proposal for marriage from her long time boyfriend. While the event doesn't shock me, I was still caught a bit off guard considering the two of them have lived in my home for the past 4+ years. I would have hoped that he would have at least asked for permission, which I would have easily granted, before deciding what day to propose. But, the decision was ultimately his and I am happy for the both of them.
With the announcement of their engagement, the end of my direct parenting is in sight. I no longer consider her a 'child', but an adult who is capable of making decisions that will affect the rest of her life. It also means I fully expect them to leave my home for their own place before 2020 is over, leaving me here by myself.
This coming Wednesday, May 20th, would have been my 32nd wedding anniversary. Just over 5 years ago, I found out that my ex was having an affair, later which I learned was well over a year long, and it effectively ended my marriage that night. I filed for divorce a week later and on April 5, 2015 I was officially divorced. That first year was the hardest for me as not only did I have to learn how to manage a home by myself, but I also started my life transition.
So now I'm sitting in my kitchen listening to the hum of the refrigerator and the tick-tock of the clock in the living room wondering where time has gone. It seems like only yesterday that my girls were hanging off of my ankles as I tried to walk around the house. Now, my 'baby' is going to get married. I am happy that each one of my daughters found someone to cling to that makes them feel secure and safe. I remind them all that they made a commitment to that person as it's not to be taken lightly. They saw my pain finding out about how cheating hurts and urge them not to do so themselves.
As for me, this is a solo ride from here on out. I do not have any close friends to hang out with, any hobbies I enjoy any longer, or any interests worth pursuing. No one wants to date someone such as myself because of all of the potential baggage and problems I represent socially. I am truly an outsider of all classes because I chose to be myself.
I will admit I have trust issues stemming from the failure of past relationships and false promises by those claiming support, yet vanish in the moment when I needed it. While I do have an association with the LBGTQ+ community, I'm part of such a small sub-group under that umbrella, we're barely even noticed. I will not date someone from that community as I am not a gay man, a crossdresser, a transvestite, she-male, lesbian, or gender neutral. I'm not into someone that sees me as a play partner for sexual stimulus or gratification.
I carry a sadness around me I can't shake. It comes from feeling out of place in a crowded room, because everyone else doesn't have gender issues. No one looks at me as the woman I know that I am. I will always be that outsider. I feel overwhelmed and unable to find a path to allow a smile to remain on my face for more than a few, brief moments.
My happily ever after has come and gone with the pain of infidelity. I was made to feel like the guilty party because I was struggling inside, but I never strayed and never stopped loving my ex until that day. I had always hoped that being married and loving someone was all that I needed to find true happiness, but it isn't. If you don't love yourself first, you will never find happiness at all. This is why I made the change.
I love the person I am today. There is no more internal struggle, no tug of war. I am just me. But because of that, I have been shunned, exiled to a dead end job, ridiculed, and lied to. This is a solo ride for me...I believe it now more than ever.
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